So you and your partner have a new roommate you didn’t anticipate. If a parent has come to stay, what do you do now? How do you focus on building your own family with a surprise guest in the picture?
Despite what you’ve seen between Bow and Ruby on Black-ish, it’s totally possible to blend two families successfully. It’s not easy, but as long as you have open communication with bae – and a lot of patience – then it can be done.
Who agreed to this, anyway?
If your parent needs to move in with you, you might think that it’s a no-brainer: of course he or she can move in! They’re family!
Hold on.
Think about your partner. It’s their home too, so you can’t just assume they’ll be okay with blending families. Sit down with them and have a long, honest talk.
And if they’re not comfortable with your parent moving in for good, perhaps your parent can move in for a shorter period of time (a few weeks or a few months) while you figure out your next steps.
On the flip side…
If you return home one day to find your mother-in-law’s suitcases in your living room, you and bae need to have a long talk. They should have asked your permission first. Make sure they know it’s not okay for them to make major decisions that affect you without your input, and then together figure out where you should go from here.
You stay on your side of the room…
Every relationship needs boundaries. Your relationship with your parent or parent-in-law is the same.
The parent shouldn’t expect to be treated like a guest for the entire time that they live there. The moment they decided to move in for good, they decided to become a contributing member of the household.
That doesn’t mean the parent has to cook or even pay bills, but it does mean that they need to respect the way you and your partner like to keep your house.
Don’t be afraid to say, “Sorry, Mom, but I’m not going to throw out all of the alcohol just because you don’t drink,” or “I know you don’t like my friends, but we’re going to keep having them over.”
Set ground rules and decide who takes responsibility for each chore. For example, perhaps your mother-in-law can clean the kitchen once a week.
Don’t disrespect your elders, obviously (in case they get out the belt), but don’t be afraid to put your foot down.
Keep it private.
No matter how much you love your parent or your parent-in-law, you and bae need time to yourself at least once a week. More, if possible. Get your own room. Schedule time alone.
Take a moment to breathe.
Pick your battles.
The parent is going to make you mad. You can’t escape that. But you can decide how you handle it.
Don’t jump down your father-in-law’s throat every time he leaves the milk cap off. But don’t be afraid to speak up if he keeps criticizing your relationship, your household or the way you treat your partner.
Stand up for yourself. But know when to stand up for yourself. Learn to live with the little things and address the big things with care.
Consider the good.
Yes, having your parent move in might make things difficult. For one, it’s way more awkward to have sex on the kitchen table when your mother is in there cooking saltfish.
But there are good aspects, even if you don’t see it yet.
You’ll get more time to bond as a family.
The parent can pass on wisdom.
If you two have never been close before, now’s your chance.
If you have children, they’ll get to know their grandparent better.
Senior citizen discounts at stores.
See? It’s not all bad.
Talk too much.
At least once a week, pour a big glass of wine, close the bedroom door and have a long, honest talk with your partner.
What’s going well with the living arrangement?
What could be better?
How should you address your grievances?
Where do we go from here?
Some weeks, everything might be going great and you’ll barely have anything to discuss. Other weeks, you and bae might fight for hours about whether your mother really needs to do laundry six times a week. All that matters is that you keep talking about the good, the bad, and everything in between.
Have a drink.
Living with a parent is difficult, especially if that parent isn’t your own. You deserve a reward!
Once a week, put your feet up, take a deep breath and pat yourself on the back. You’re making it through one day at a time.