No one has the right to deny anyone a safe space to worship. Open any history book and you will read about the many times throughout history that people have been persecuted, exiled, and killed because of their religious beliefs and practices. Wars have been waged over it, families torn apart because of it. To take away the religious freedom of another human being is not only unfair, it is inhumane. But take a deep breath, before you get prepared for another heavy read let me tell you this, this is not another piece about religious beliefs. This is not about finding a spiritual sanctuary to unpack, or the uncomfortable and convoluted topic of homosexuality in the church. But imagine this, you finally find a church or safe space to worship, one that is welcoming, is filled with nice people, and spreads love and messages of affirmation to help you stay emotionally grounded and sane. You have searched long and hard to find a place like this. This space is somewhere that you can be yourself, a place where your deepest prayers and fears float from your mind up into the rafters, empowering you in your most vulnerable times. Sounds like such a magical place, right? But what happens when you have shared this place with your partner—and you break up? Not only is a break up hard to deal with on its own, besides the obvious emotional damage that comes along with it, you’re then left collecting and returning clothing, throwing out that extra toothbrush, blocking phone numbers, (if it gets to that). It is a stressful time, we have all been through it. You try not to get emotional when you hear a certain song and you try to move on without throwing yourself into an emotional breakdown, sometimes dodging restaurants and coffee shops, anything to avoid thinking about or possibly running into your ex. What if one of those places is your church? Maybe you met your partner at service or a church event. Maybe your partner invited you to their church and you fell in love with it or maybe it was the other way around. Whatever the case is, how does one decide how to proceed? Should a split from your partner also mean a spit from your spiritual safe place?
After a break up, there is nothing you need more then support, and a place to emotionally and mentally unpack. Would it be fair for your partner to tell you not to come to service? Is it fair for you to do the same? Or take a break from service until you are strong enough to face them? My answer to these questions are No. No. and Maybe. Although it seems unfair to allow someone to put a hitch in your spiritual routine, if you find yourself trying to get over heartbreak, it may be a good move to take a little time to worship elsewhere to allow yourself some time to process your thoughts and feelings. The last thing you need is to put yourself through a possible emotional break seeing your ex walk through the door. It may alter your ability to be truly present to hear the message because you are using so much energy just trying not to focus on their presence. Now, this by no means is advice for everyone, there are many who feel that the presence of their God is exactly the backup needed to face such a situation, but as someone who has been through it, it is such an uneasy feeling sitting in service looking at the door every time someone walks in, trying to talk yourself out of an emotional reaction to a situation that has yet to happen. Instead of sitting in service, suffering from anxiety, maybe spend a few weeks talking to a friend or confidant, maybe even a therapist if necessary. This absence from church service will not alter your relationship with your God. You can pray anywhere and anytime. If your church has a prayer line, call it up! Dial in from a location that will not make you anxious. You can still send your prayers up to the universe and ask for a blessing from your church family until you feel emotionally strong enough to walk through those doors again. You do not have to wait until you are completely over your ex, or until you find a new boo to join you at service (which I certainly do not recommend), but take a little time to check in with yourself, it may help to make an emotional checklist. Can you hear that person’s name without completely breaking down, are you able to focus or complete simple tasks without being disrupted by thoughts of them? Use these milestones as an indicator of your readiness. Have you done enough “self-work”?
When it is all said and done, do what works for you. Do not let anyone bully you away from your spiritual safe space, but be real with yourself and decide if a break is needed. Do not force yourself to grin and bear it just because you want to “win.” And when you have gotten over the hurdle of heartbreak, be more selective about the people you decide to share your spiritual safe place with.