In the past couple of months, I have found myself having several conversations about what spirituality means to members in the LGBTQ community. It is often times an uncomfortable conversation but that is what makes the topic so important and relevant; The discomfort. It is this discomfort that many of us within the LGBTQ community feel the moment we step into a church, the discomfort we feel whenever we hear homophobic rhetoric, the sometimes unbearable level of discomfort we feel when the two are combined.
Below are the stories of people within our community as they share what spirituality means to them and how spirituality has molded them. These conversations are with people who spiritually identify with several different faiths, from Christianity to Roman Catholicism and everything in between. What I hope to do by having these candid conversations is to open a dialogue of healing, clarity, and self identification. A dialogue of love.
Lamar
Identifies as a trans male
Spiritually identifies with the practices of Buddhism
Lamar grew up in a home with a father who was Buddhist and an adoptive mother who was Jehovah’s witness. Growing up as a female, Lamar was not openly gay but was able to express himself freely through dress, wearing baggy clothes.
“My parents didn’t care, they always said as long as you’re comfortable then you’re good.” However, as a member of his mother’s Jehovah’s Witness church, despite the church being very “loving and supportive,” Lamar recalls never feeling accepted and often pressured to identify as a female by church members who even went as far as to force him to wear skirts to service and tell him that if he wanted to get baptized, he could no longer associate with his openly gay younger sister who identified as a stud lesbian.
Lamar recalls a conversation he had with a church member who said, “Take your time, but eventually you need to start thinking about us as your family, that is not the family God gave you, God would never do that.”
Just a teen at the time, Lamar was faced with a difficult decision and admits that for a period of time, he was homophobic in spite of the feelings he felt towards women. After going away for college however, Lamar began to openly pursue his feelings for women in college but when his mother found out about his lifestyle, her reaction was one that is all too familiar within the lives of LGBTQ people.
“Once she found out, she sends this email saying everything I’ve bought for you I’m coming to take! I’m taking your TV! [And everything] And I never heard from her again.”
Shortly after, Lamar began the transformation from identifying as a lesbian woman to being a trans male, noting that he “was happy, but felt that something was missing.”
As Lamar’s transition developed, he drifted further and further away from the Jehovah’s Witness church and strict teachings that he had grown up with but still maintained a relationship with God.
“I don’t believe worshiping God means being in a certain place at a certain time.” Lamar admits that he still does not feel comfortable going to church because “I haven’t found a place that feels like home. I’m always afraid that my life will be in danger and that there will be someone in that church saying ‘you don’t belong here.’”
Lamar now considers himself to be more spiritual than religious and identifies with the teachings and principles of Buddhism which include karma, positive energy, and treating people with kindness.
“Buddhism doesn’t preach any hate towards homosexuality,” which is one of the many reasons he has always been drawn to Buddhist teachings. Lamar also follows some of the teachings of Christianity and maintains a spiritual relationship with God but points out that most of the trans people he knows identify as spiritual rather than being members of any denomination and do not attend church at all.
“In my opinion,” Lamar says, “just like sexuality, religion is fluid” and everyone should be able to practice as they wish.
In having these discussions, I have found one thing to be true, we all just want to be accepted, loved, and belong to something that is bigger than ourselves. Isn’t that what everyone wants? Of course it is, but for myself and my LGBTQ brothers and sisters, that dream is something that we have to fight for; A dream where the opportunities are few and far between. In fact, when we ask for access to this dream with hearts and hands wide open, we are slapped. Slapped with Bible verses, hate speech, and promises of damnation and eternal fire and brimstone. When we approach from a place of love we are only met with hate, so many of us give up, having to choose between receiving spiritual guidance and maintaining our sanity and safety. So I pray to open up the lines of communication surrounding our stories- a line of communication that has been silenced for way too long.