Gender is biological, the roles and expectations that we assign to each gender however, are man-made and driven by heteronormative standards created by society and based in religion. These expectations are taught and absorbed as we grow. When we begin dating, these gender roles permeate our relationships and influence the way we treat our partners and the things we expect from them. Their actions, mannerisms, and even the way that they carry themselves. In the LGBT community, we follow these gender roles even though our existence as lesbian, trans, bi sexual, bi gender, etc. is a middle finger to the very same regime of standards. Although this behavior is something that we do subconsciously we may also find ourselves being intentional about the roles we place on our partners based on the way we, or our partner, presents. For instance, I usually date women who are masculine of center, every date I’ve ever been on, I was never expected to pay. The mere mention or effort to pay was met with surprise.
As someone who once dated men, I never thought about the un spoken rule of first dates. Society’s expectations of the man inheriting the role of provider and financial handler, was just the law of the land. Once I started dating women though, it dawned on me that these same laws transcended gender and somehow became rules attached to the presentation of one’s sexuality. If society tells us that the man should be the provider, when it comes to relationships between members of the LGBT community, who’s rules do we follow? Somewhere down the line, that role of provider and financial protector got passed on to every woman I have ever dated. Was it something passed down by me? Was it up to me to question it? If we both followed this pattern of behavior, did that make it okay for outsiders to assume my partner wanted to be a man? Several times, I have found myself having to check my own behaviors and bias. And because of the “rules” engrained into my psyche from years of religion, and the effects of social training, it is something that takes a continuous effort. Many times, I fall short.
On a humid, afternoon in the summer I stopped into a gas station to fill up. Sitting next to me in the passenger side of m sedan was a woman who I had been dating. For the sake of anonymity, let’s call her “Shay.” Shay and I had been dating for about two months and the way in which we presented suggested me as feminine and Shay as masculine. After parking, I shut off the engine and popped the gas valve, Shay swiped through her Instagram, unbothered. Reaching for my wallet, I pulled out my credit card and paused. With the air conditioning off, I could feel the New York City humidity begin to seep through the windows, there was no way I was going out there. Sitting back in my seat, I stare over at Shay, handing her the card. If I was with a friend, I would have hopped out and began pumping my own gas without hesitation. My car. My gas. My problem. It would have been an easy decision. But because Shay was in the car, I didn’t budge, the crazy part is, I didn’t even think about it; A perfect example of me applying heteronormative standards to everyday life. Still trolling Instagram, Shay manages to look up at me, “Oh my bad.” Grabbing my card, she hops out of the car and walks over to the pump. Perhaps she had forgotten the rules. Who made this rule? Who said that she had to pump? Why did I expect it? If she was a feminine presenting woman like me would it even be a discussion? Who would be the designated gas pumper? Would we take turns? These are questions I have never had to answer because I have never dated women who were feminine presenting. As I write this, I also wonder if my choice of women is my way of subconsciously manifesting the male/female concept of dating. Something to think about for sure.
Whatever the case is, now that I am becoming more and more aware of the ways in which I apply heteronormative expectations, it is up to me to do the work and look under the surface of my actions. It is the responsibility of all us to make the effort to shed the very standards that have been forced on us by those who have tried to define and make sense of the way we live our lives.