2015 was a landmark year in the fight for total LGBT+ acceptance throughout America. The historic Supreme Court marriage equality ruling was an unprecedented step toward progression and equality. While many gay men and women are still facing discrimination and challenges from forces beyond the community, much of our internal struggle for complete acceptance is taking place amongst those who should accept us unconditionally.
Have you ever found yourself in a conversation with a gay man who bad mouths or stereotypes lesbians? Or, flipping the script, have you ever been present when a lesbian bashes other gay men? It can be a confusing phenomenon to witness, and it’s somewhat troubling to ponder. In the quest to gain mainstream acceptance, wouldn’t it work so much better if we could all just get along?
The division is very clear on the surface. When it comes to the nightlife, gay men have their establishments while lesbians lay claim to their own. It’s rare to see both co-existing in the same party space. This even remains the case during unity-focused times like LGBT Pride Month. If you flock to a Sunday brunch or a gay neighborhood, there’s a staunch segregation. The boys hang with the boys, and the girls stick with the girls.
But what’s the deal? We all support same-sex love. Why don’t we get along with each other?
Well, the last time an intense unity existed between lesbians and gay men was back in the 80s. At the start of the AIDS epidemic, the entire gay community was brought together because of tragedy. It was commonplace for both gay men and women to volunteer as part of ACT UP. We were all united to save our friends and families. In that time, issues of life and death outweighed superficial differences.
We saw some of this same unity during celebrations for marriage equality. But beyond historic moments in which we’re all fighting for the same cause, our public support of one another vanishes completely.
Perhaps it’s an effect of the media. When it comes to news coverage, stories about gay issues almost always center on gay men. Whether it’s a violent attack, a coming out story, or a celebration of love, the stories frequently revolve around men. Lesbians rarely dominate headlines. And in this constant public embrace of stories about gay men, many of us have become obsessed with our own struggle.
Even our own gay networks cater to men. Logo TV’s most popular series is RuPaul’s Drag Race-a competition series that focuses on acceptance of men who love drag. And though the network is now mostly a junk yard for syndicated sitcoms, most of its original programming was centered around male characters.
Despite the fact that all of us are fighting for the same things, we’ve somehow migrated to a frame of mind in which our struggle and happiness outweighs that of lesbians. It’s not even a situation where we’re making disparaging remarks. For most gay men, lesbians aren’t even on the radar. We could be a product of media coverage or just truly self-centered, but there’s no point in which the gay male road intersects with that of the lesbian one.
On the other hand, perhaps gay men’s lack of awareness of lesbians stems from resentment or jealousy. A University of California study found that 38% of gay men have been victims of theft, vandalism, or violence based on perceptions of their sexuality. Lesbians only reported a 13% rate for the same crimes. Though there are existing stereotypes about both gay men and lesbians, the stereotypes of gay men seem to be more prevalent. Therefore, gay men are often targeted more.
Many lesbians “pass” as straight or are accepted for who they are with less resistance. Gay men have a much harder time assimilating into “normal” life. Because of this more substantial social difficulty (whether it’s just perceived or not), gay men seem to have abandoned lesbians. There seems to be an inability to connect because the severity of our struggles is quite different.
For decades, gay men and lesbians have shown indifference to each other. Whether it’s in a joke about a stereotype or a total oblivious approach to each other’s challenges, there’s a tremendous rift that must be repaired in order to achieve true equality.
