Every now and then I find myself wondering about the many conversations that are not being had amongst LGBTQIA People of Color, specifically between the women who love women. I am curious about the affects of our silence on our self-esteem and our relationships. There are so many issues and topics that so many of us seem to avoid and I have to wonder if we recognize the disservice that we are doing ourselves and others by simply avoiding necessary conversations and dealing with necessary feelings.
One such topic is that of physical and sexual abuse. Of the many Women of Color that I know who identify as Lesbians, Queer, Trans*, and/or Bisexual, more than half of them have told me or spoken openly about their past physical and/or sexual abuse. So many of them seem to limit these conversations to their close friends and often avoid talking to their partners about their prior experiences and abuse. I find that this avoidance causes many other issues. Substance abuse, “promiscuity,” and becoming abusive tend to be some of the staple traits that I have observed. I also notice that many people who have been abused adopt the notion that they are alone or that they will always be subject to victimization. In my opinion, all of this can potentially factor into negative outcomes in romantic dealings.
How are the conversations that we are not having or that we refuse to have preventing us from finding fulfillment in other areas of our lives? Are we allowing our past circumstances to continue to dictate our present and our future without meaning to? What about the women who are trying to love those women who have been mistreated in some capacity? Are they left broken because of their partner’s inability to open up about and address the situations and circumstances of their past?
I continue to be shocked by the number of Women of Color who have been sexually or physically assaulted during their childhood and teenage years. The number of women who have spoken openly about how they have been abused – sometimes repeatedly – and never truly processed what took place is alarming. One of my Twitter followers compared the state of the survivors of abuse to that of soldiers living with PTSD and I cannot say that I disagree.
As I continue to meet People of Color who have suffered some form of physical or sexual abuse in their past, I find so many similarities to the stories of our ancestors, some of whom were molested or raped and unable to tell their own stories of tragedy and victimization due to the rational fear that they – or their family members – may be harmed if they should dare speak about the abuse that they had endured.
I am also reminded of the notion of secrets and how, so many of us in the LGBTQIA Community have been forced to carry secrets for so many years. Are our personal stories of victimization or mistreatment yet another secret that we are forced to keep? Is it yet another burden that we find ourselves carrying? Is the secret that it happened worse than the actual abuse endured?
As I continue to wonder about the long-term affects of childhood and teenage physical and sexual abuse, especially on Women of Color who identify as LGBTQIA, I also feel compelled to take a minute to ponder how the abused have become abusers. While working with adults who have committed serious violent crimes, who speak about their childhood or the manners in which they were abused or neglected, I have to question whether their actions are truly their own or whether this form of “coping” is one that was imparted on them long before their adult years.
I think it is beyond important to have difficult conversations with our partners. We cannot truly expect someone to be present, to grow with us, or to understand us if we do not begin to have honest conversations about our pasts and realistic conversations about our future. While there are plenty of topics that many of us may be refusing to acknowledge, those pertaining to victimization and abuse are important for helping partners to understand one another.
Further, as more of us continue to speak out about whatever abuses we may have suffered, the more attention we bring to the fact that there are still children (and many adults) suffering from similar abuses. By addressing what we have gone through, we create space to help those who may be experiencing the same thing. Not only are we helping them and ourselves, we will also be helping our current and/or future partners to understand us, our pasts, and our needs. I challenge each of the SOULE readers to have the difficult conversations, to talk honestly and openly about those issues that are plaguing them. Once we start to shine a light on what haunts us, perhaps it will lose its power over us, as well as its ability to silence us in the moments when our voices are most needed.
