Have you ever noticed how interconnected most topics are? The correlations and connections between various topics have not been lost on me, especially regarding body positivity and the manner by which most people’s thoughts about themselves directly relate to how they will allow others to treat them or how it impacts whose attention they chase, whose type they want to be.
Like many other people who are on multiple social media platforms or that follow companies like Lane Bryant, I have definitely noticed that there has been a rising emphasis on body positivity, especially among plus size women of color. Naturally, this movement has found its ways into the LGBTQIA Community as well. Though I am glad that conversations are being had about how we view ourselves, treat ourselves, and how view/treat one another, I have been somewhat amazed by how quickly the conversations about plus size women, in particular, can go from heart-warming to heart-wrenching. And, for some odd reason, so many times when the topic of weight comes up, it seems to be in regards to people’s dating preferences. It continues to strike me as somewhat odd that in a community involving so many other women, we continue to shame people based on our own appearance-based preferences.
I will be the first to say that I do not have a “type.” I will also be the first to admit that part of the reason for this assertion is that, in my past, my proclaimed type was what I had been told it should be and those particular types of people tended to use my weight as justification for mistreatment. Their underlying reasoning seemed to be a combination of me not deserving better (because of my weight) and me not going anywhere because nobody else would want me (because of my weight). While I completely recognize how problematic those people were, I also recognize similar traits in some of the celebrated “chubby chasers” that are within our community. I do not know whether it is better to be someone who refuses to date a woman because of her appearance or to be someone who only takes interest in a woman because of her appearance.
What I do know is that it seems that how we view and treat ourselves shows up in the types of people we attract and what we are willing to accept from them in the forms of love and/or abuse. So many times these conversations focusing on abuse are only had with heterosexual men – as if, women who love women are incapable of being abusive and using abuser’s logic to demean and exacerbate the insecurities of their partners. This is rather concerning to me because it appears that the number of stories about toxic and/or violent same-sex/same-gender relationships is on the rise. The stories pertaining to women who have killed or battered their female partners are practically commonplace on the daily news and – the fact that such stories have become indicative of what same-sex relationships must be – is alarming.
What alarms me even more is how actively I see plus size women in the LGBTQIA Community trying so desperately to be somebody’s type. It appears that they are trying to convince someone that they are sexual, beautiful, or worth noticing. I often wonder how many times those women have been abused and, if “given a chance” by the woman they have been trying to convince of their worthiness, how many times they may be abused in the future.
I am concerned for my sisters who are looking for acceptance from other people and who only speak quietly about their insecurities and appearance-related issues. I sometimes wonder if they feel like they have to present a façade to the world – and perhaps even themselves – that leads people to believe that they are okay when, maybe, they are not.
Can you imagine the struggle of being classified as a problem by your racial/ethnic community because of who you love, by your religious community for how you love, and by the LGBTQIA Community for how you look?
This is not to say that body image or weight-related issues are only particular to plus size women or that those are the only issues prevalent in our community with regards to insecurity, but it is a topic that I have given quite a bit of thought to and that I relate to on a more personal level.
While looking at domestic violence statistics, I noticed that, despite some information pertaining to sexual violence suffered by bisexual women and lesbians, the issues of domestic violence in same-gender relationships as well as the commonalities pertaining the victim’s personal views of themselves are rarely – if ever – discussed and noted in major surveys. I often wonder why this correlation seems overlooked in our community since those outside of the community are so quick to label us as violent and/or having emotional issues that lead to our “choice” to be LGBTQIA.
I know there are women in the LGBTQIA Community who will deny that same-sex relationship violence is a real issue in our community. I know that there are others who will suggest that there is absolutely no connection between body positivity/feelings of self worth and being abused. I, clearly, am not one of them.
Insecurities are a major factor in what you are willing to accept from someone and sometimes mental and emotional abuse exists for years before physical abuse actually takes place. I hope that, as a community, we can stop putting so much emphasis on one another’s appearances and using such trivial things to determine how someone deserves to be treated or loved. I can only imagine the insecurities that make each of us feel less than and I know, all too well, what happens when you become a victim to your own insecurities or to the person who insists on holding those insecurities over your head.
In light of the many challenges that so many of us are facing as members of the LGBTQIA Community and as racial/ethnic minorities, I hope things like dating preferences and appearance do not continue to keep us in a place of stagnancy and abusive behavior. That has not served the heterosexual community well and, I highly doubt, it will serve us any better.
