~H1~

These past few months I have experienced fatigue. Not just ‘tired,’ but drained and fully exhausted in every aspect of my life. Because of this, I made a conscious decision to withdraw from almost all forms of social media, as well as limit my tv, internet, and news consumption in order to spend time focusing on replenishing and preserving my energy.

During this time I decided to intentionally do things that made me happy, including watching my favorite movies and tv shows. A couple weeks ago I had an eery moment that I will probably never forget. I was sitting down watching a movie that I had been wanting to see for months, and I was very engrossed and captivated by one particular action sequence in the movie. Midway through the sequence, I paused, and my mind said “Olivia. You do remember that you’re queer, right?” It was so strange, but for that split second watching that movie everything faded away and I was focused solely on the action and the plot.

It was in this moment that I realized that I had been spending so much time and energy ‘fighting’. Every single thing that I did was related to social justice, raising my voice as a Black queer woman, bringing an intersectional lens to everything I do, challenging microaggressions in everyday discussions, or doing a variety of other things that vaguely centered around social activism. As important as all of these things are, being constantly engaged in that to the point where I was always ‘on’ was ultimately very detrimental to my health and wellbeing. It was only in this moment during my ‘off’ time that I was able to fully remove those thoughts from my mind and focus on myself and what I enjoyed.

Fighting patriarchy, sexism, racism, homophobia and how all of those things intersect is exhausting and not necessary for me to be engaged in all the time. The movement will not stop without me. I honestly feel like everywhere I go I’m fighting something—fighting for attention, to be recognized, or to not be left out of conversations. Now I realize the importance of me being in places where I don’t have to fight. Not just occasionally, but having an actual sanctuary that I can visit regularly, whenever I need to, whether it’s a group of girlfriends to spend time with or just dedicating a weekend to focusing on me and doing everything I want to do. We throw around the term ‘self care’ so often now but I have realized that self care can be different for every person, and I need to cater it to my needs. For me, it’s not just doing my nails or some other beauty ritual, although that sometimes helps. It is also removing myself or taking a step back from the business and action of daily life as an activist. It is a conscious and intentional decision to focus on me and direct my energy inwards instead of outwards. It is having the courage to withdraw, to put myself first, to humble myself and understand that just because I am not involved in something doesn’t mean that the world will stop.

I’ve learned to take frequent breaks. Surround myself with love. Spend less of my energy on fighting and more on loving, not because the world doesn’t need fighters, but because I’ve learned that I don’t have to always be one of them.