Feminine versus masculine presentation is a complex issue within the Black queer women’s community. There are so many different labels—such as femme, high femme, soft femme, stem, butch, stud, dom, boi, to name a few—that sometimes it may seem overwhelming. When I was looking to become more comfortable with my sexuality I decided to ‘tiptoe’ into the Black queer community and talk to a variety of women to learn about their lives and dating experiences. During these conversations, I remember being asked on multiple occasions if I only date masculine of center women, or ‘studs’. When I responded that I was attracted to both feminine and masculine presenting women I was surprised that I received pushback from some people. Within the community there is sometimes an idea that floats around suggesting that femmes should only date studs because ‘that’s just the way it should be’. I wasn’t aware that some people thought lesbian relationships should mirror heterosexual relationships with a masculine male and a feminine partner. Although I wasn’t getting this message from everyone in the community I spoke to, it was still an opinion that I ran into from time to time.
Saying femmes shouldn’t date other femmes because it ‘just isn’t right’ is very similar to the criticism that we receive from heterosexual people that two women shouldn’t date each other, period. That some people perceive two feminine women dating each other as ‘unnatural’ is just another example of how femininity is demonized and marginalized in society. Femininity is not something that always needs to be ‘balanced out’ by masculinity. The idea that a relationship is not valid unless there is a masculine partner present is a thinly concealed manifestation of misogyny.
A question I know that many of us femme queer women have to answer all the time is: “Why would you date a woman who dresses like a man when you could just date a man?” It’s annoying and frustrating to be asked this repeatedly by family members, acquaintances, and random people you meet who feel like they have a right to interrogate your sexual identity. A typical response we give is “the way that she dresses doesn’t make her any less of a woman.” This answer also completely applies to the ‘should femmes date other femmes’ debate. If we’re both women regardless of how we dress, then why is it not okay for two femmes to date?
I consider myself to fall somewhere along the ‘femme’ spectrum. I wear makeup, sometimes. My attire usually oscillates somewhere between sweats and skirts on any given day. I date everyone, but before I came out I was homophobic and used to be one of those people who thought that women shouldn’t date other women at all, and especially not women who dress like men. Now I am attracted to women who appear more masculine, women who choose a more feminine appearance, and also to women who don’t choose to fall under either of those categories. I’m not going to let my love life be governed by hand me down patriarchal rules that tell me who to love.
I think that our community is extremely accepting and embracing of all kinds of love, but that doesn’t mean that harmful ideas and ways of thinking don’t still show up sometimes. Just because we date other women does not necessarily mean that we have completely unlearned misogynistic and patriarchal ways of thinking that have become ingrained in our society. I still slip up sometimes and have to check myself on the gender roles I assign to others, but I’ve found that the less restrictions I place on others the happier and content I can be in my own identity.
