So same-sex marriage is legalized now in US and flocks of men haven’t been running to your door. As a single gay man, this can be frustrating.
You’ve got it all………. You’re charming, well-educated, kind and caring, motivated in their careers, take care of their health, have networks of friends, are outgoing and gregarious, have a good sense of humor and generally enjoy life and people.
These are all great characteristics making you a great catch and not quite sure what’s getting in the way of them finding a long-term relationship?
While there can be many reasons why this might be so, these are some of common themes amongst most single gay men.
1. A fear of intimacy:
Many gay men fear emotional closeness or intimacy with another man. A fear of intimacy is often about not wanting to be in a vulnerable position where you could be hurt by another. It’s this fear of emotional closeness that makes it difficult for many gay men to develop a connection deeper than a Sexuationship.
2. Sex as a recreational sport:
It’s no secret that many gay men have made a sport out of anonymous casual sex. Grindr , Growler and whomever is making a killing off this fact alone. Having sex isn’t the issue, but becoming trapped in this stage and never moving on from having high levels of sex with many partners, can lead to an equation that sex equals closeness. In Sexuationships men can only feel close through sex and lack the ability to form emotional closeness without having sex.
3. Lack of confidence in going after what you want:
Some gay men lack the confidence to go after the men that they want. They live in this state of “What if?” They will often feel the longing to connect to another man on a deeper level. Developing greater belief that You Matter means you can go after what you want and still survive and bounce back if nothing comes of it.
4. Fear of rejection:
One of the reasons gay men don’t move towards what they want is they fear being rejected by another man. It leaves you safe from being rejected, yet it also sabotages any efforts you might be wanting to make in getting closer to someone else.
5. Beliefs about yourself
When your 20-something or 30-something there is no chance that you couldn’t have gone through life and not experience things that affect you and change you. It’s through these experiences that you form beliefs that become ingrained in how you interact with people . These can include beliefs such as “I’m not lovable” or “I’m not worthy”, can be carried for many years and silently undermine your moves to form deeper connections and relationships with other men.
6. Having a lot of part-time (friend/relation)ships
One way to prevent yourself from forming relationships is to make sure you surround yourself with lots of Part–time Ships or Situationships. You know the type of Part-time Ships I’m talking about- they will be by your side in an instant when you’re about to hit the bars or clubs, but the moment you’re having a crisis or personal problems, they are strangely nowhere to be found.
Then there are the Situationships where there are either a friend or a situation that looks like they could be potentially your bae, but they are taxing all your emotional energy and aren’t really interested in pursuing anything. By allowing them in your space you are blocking your true blessing from coming in.
Taking an audit of your circle will give you a sense of how much substance there is to those relationships.
7. Destructive models of relationships (family)
Many people have grown up in families where the model of relationships was absent , dysfunctional, violent, aggressive or just plain unhealthy. We are also not taught how to be gay. The norm is for us to be straight and not anything else. So as gay men, it is harder to find and receive these relationships. As children, these relationships and experience influence the relationship archetypes we subconsciously are attracted to.
