Yesterday was fathers day, a day I used to dread because my mother would force me to talk to The invisible man. After taking some self discovery classes, I began a healing journey with my estranged father. I chose to partake in such a journey, not only because it was on my heart but because I was struggling to establish positive relationships with men and thought it might be a good idea to look toward my relationship with my father for insights and answers. The journey has been an adventure as each day reveals more and more as I learn to accept that I am my fathers son.
Healing Father-Son Relationships
The beginning of my personal journey to healing my sordid dad-son relationship wasn’t very eventful. There were years of absence, silence, whispers (from my family to my dad about my sexuality and self-acceptance (perhaps on both our parts) . I had already came out to with my immediate family and had feared coming out to a man that I barely knew, only to be rejected again. Early on I had seen a pattern in my selection of male partners… the emotionally unavailable, too busy man that had “prior engagements” .. follow by me desperately seeking their attention and approval. At some point I could not deny that my relationship with my father has had a profound effect on my choice. But I continued to deny myself that conversation until life had placed us in a corner.
It couldn’t be any better time to talk, as my father had coded three times and had was in critical care. Life became so much more precious as his incident only reminded of how important it was to live in the present.
When I finally got the guts to connect with him and “come out’ and he had been waiting for me to get comfortable enough to tell him myself. Apparently one of my aunts had told him already. I had later found out that I had an older brother that was also gay which he had recently come to terms with accepting him also and now my brother and I are the best of friends.
Hurricanes and Rainbows
I am glad I made the decision to begin the healing process with my father. For now, our relationship is an uphill battle for me as I have to continually remind myself to reach and connect to him. Each time we do connect the years of absence, silence and whispers fade away. I can say I finally am loved and accepted by my father. Armed with insight, I feel I can make more informed choices about how to interact with the men in my life.
